Missing her...

Hope Always
By Sarah Gielow

I have a baby

who's tears I'll never dry

who's hair I'll never smooth

who will never ask me "why?"

I cradled deep a sweetie

who's heart should've fluttered to life

but rather than sweet little beats

to our hearts a cold, harsh knife

We never smelled your sweet scent

we never heard you laugh

we often look around...

seems you should be running past

Even though our arms don't hold you

your cheeks we never kissed

regardless of our emptiness
we look forward to holding you someday, princess

Your name we thought we knew

till you whispered it that day

seems YHWH had other plans for us

yet still you are our Hope, always.

We lost our Hope on December 25th, 2009.  She was our third baby, and we were SO excited to have her joining our family.  We miscarried her at 6 weeks, 6 days.  Many people have looked down upon us for naming her and calling her by a feminine title when she was so young.  We never had proof to back up our belief that she was a girl, as we had an at home and unassisted miscarriage.  But we all knew it was a girl, and we agreed that naming her, speaking of her regularly and explaining to the kids was the right thing for our family.  Our Lizzy who is now 5 (but at the time was a mature 3) still remembers Hope being in my belly and when we lost her.  She talks about her often, we enjoy talking about what we will do when we get to see Hope someday in eternity. 

Now, we had planned to name our next girl Annelise.  And we really thought that was going to be this baby's name.  But after she passed, I got this burning in me.  I kept hearing over and over "Hope."  You see, we had been through a lot as a couple and as a family.  We had struggled to find peace, hope and a place in this world.  But this baby, she was a light in the darkest of places for us.  She really was our hope.  So when we lost her it cut us so deep.  The night after I lost her, I had a dream.  She came to me as a young woman.  In this dream she actually looked a lot like me which I found very strange as all my kids "look just like their Papa!"  In the dream she was Hope, not Annelise. The photo above reminds me of her in that dream.  This is a picture of a little tray I have had since I was young, and I keep it in my bathroom so whenever I look at it I get a sweet reminder of her.  After this dream I talked to Tribe Papa about naming her Hope.  He thought a bit, and agreed it fit her best.  So our Hope she is, forever.

There are days my heart aches so deeply I could swear it is about to bust.  I miss her.  Yet, even at the time of loss I somehow knew that she was stepping aside and making room for another little person to join us.  We were surprised to find out just a few short weeks later that we were again expecting, and here is where Axell's story begins!  That is a tale to tell on another post, but as you can see he did indeed come to be with us even though I almost lost him at around the same time developmentally as we lost Hope. 

I whisper to my girl on days like today, and even if she cannot hear me it helps to ease my hurt a bit.  I ask Yahusha to squeeze her in a big bear hug for me, and to take her swirling and dancing through flower fields.  I see her in my mind's eye... and smile as another tear rolls down my cheek.  I know she is in the best place of all, the arms of our beloved Messiah.

3 dear ones and a date ~ September 28th

Today is a special day in my heart, forever.

Today is the day that Tribe Papa began his journey to posses the earth (Tehillim 37).  He is my rock, my leader, my strength.  I am in awe of the bond we share, the love we grow in and the strength that just continues to get stronger.  I love this man more than life itself and am so blessed to be called his own.  Sweetheart, you are the reason I am able to get up and move in the morning, the reason I keep striving to make this family stronger, healthier and more knit together in love.  You make my life worth living.  You gave me the most beautiful children, and they have the tenacious strength I so admire in you.  They are tough and willing to work hard just like their Papa.  They watch you, learn from you and reach for you when hurting.  They will thank you when they are grown and look back upon the example you've set and the love you've shown.  They will forever be grateful for the cuddles at night, the honesty of sorry, the walks in the woods, the evenings with music and the truth taught.  You are the head of this family, and we love you leading us.  This wife is forever grateful for you and look forward to each new memory we have yet to share.

This day is also the day of my dear Grammy's birth.  She has a rare strength, depth unknown in later generations.  She is the light in my past, the one hope in my genetics.  I being adopted, am forever thankful to have the gift of her friendship and love as an adult.  I feel so blessed, so touched that I was put into a place where I can look at this woman and know her value.  Not many are given such a gift, to have 2 beautiful women with which to look up to and call Grandma... friend.   I do not take you for granted Grammy, I appreciate you for all that you are!

And lastly, my dear sweet Lisa.  A day does not go by that I do not miss you.  I still water the pages at the ache inside since you passed.  I am so thankful you gave me your gift, to love health.  And even more so, to never wish for the next step, but rather linger on each rung and enjoy the moment.  You are forever my inspiration, the little voice reminding me why I take those extra hours, what it will mean to them in the future.  Why I am able to push through the exhaustion, because it does matter... the ingredients put in produce the strength of the future.  No way to take back poor nutrition, lack of care, harsh words, and reactive anger.  You taught me to think ahead, to question why and to care more about those around than myself.  You were a lasting example, your legacy will live on in those you touched.  My children will know you, and someday in eternity they will thank you too for all you taught me.  I miss you and wish we were sharing this moment now.  You are forever in my heart.