My story begins as an adopted girl who was raised in a little town. I was loved by my family, felt special and chosen. Never once feeling rejected by those with whom I shared blood, and never really needing more than I had at that moment. All I really wanted was to be strong, beautiful, to dance, ride my horse, to someday be wife and mommy, but most of all I wanted to be a servant. Servant you say? Yes, my heart's cry as a 5 year old was to be a servant. I was crazy. Even I know that. But I still to this day strive to serve those whom I am called to. One thing I have learned, do not waste time on those unwilling to learn, grow and change. Love them, pray for them but do not allow them to draw you into their foolish fights or wall laid snares. Anyhow... back to my story. I grew up in a pentecostal church, and truly expected to live out my days in that same house (I had well laid plans to move my parents into a newly constructed granny flat after I got married and had kids of my own) and serving at that same church. I was homeschooled and LOVED it. Looking back I was more "unschooled" than homeschooled, as my mom tried to fit school to meet my needs rather than fit me to meet the needs of school. I enjoyed the group of homeschoolers we were involved with, ballet, horseback riding, singing, journaling, reading, cooking, 4-H and helping out at church. At the age of 15 I spent a month in Baja Mexico with my best friend who grew up there as a missionaries daughter, and during that time I began to fall in love with a boy... a boy from church of course. We spent the rest of the summer together, talked and walked and learned and grew. We had ups and downs and just 7 months after that first talk in Mexico we made a promise. Nearly everyone was appalled! "15 is too young to love." "You don't know what you want..." "you'll NEVER make it." Those are some of the words people used to convince us we would not succeed. Our motto became "Success is the best form of revenge." And sweet that revenge is! We now are 10 1/2 years past that first talk in baja, and more in love than before. No, I never dated another. No I did not have public school socialization. No I did not get a degree from a big college. What do I have? I have a wonderful husband I love more than life, 3 beautiful children I am proud to raise, 1 little one who has gone ahead of us with whom I look forward to kissing and holding someday, a family that knows we will do what we put our minds to and the love of our Creator YHWH who chose us to be different. That public school socialization my mom was always told I needed? Without one day of that "necessary" socialization I went on to win my hometown pageant and spent a year enjoying socializing with people of all ages. From there I went on to get a job as Public Relations Manager at a solar company in SoCal. Shortly after getting that job we found out I was expecting... just 3 short months into our marriage. So much for those 5 years we planned to wait! Now I look back with regret, sadly I knew very little at that point and only followed the advice of those around me. I didn't even know homebirth was an option. Birth Center? Never heard of one. And though I was marginally interested in getting a doula, my Dr. shut that down FAST. So, I ended up with a pretty standard hospital birth that first time around. I asked for the epidural and went into transition. They placed the epi but refused me the medication as I had dilated 4 cm in that short 15 minutes and I was "ready to push." But I wasn't ready. I FREAKED out. I was so so scared. I had not planned on pushing a baby out without medication, so I had nothing to empower me, though my dear sweet husband and mother tried to encourage me I was shattered. I fake pushed for 33 minutes and when my Dr. got "that look" on her face (you know the one... c-section coming up!) I pushed out my dear sweet little girl the very next wave. She was a wonderful little girl, but sadly had GERD. I yet again have regrets as I knew nothing about changing mommy's diet to help the baby while nursing (not all moms/babies need to do this, but I found it very helpful once I knew of it). So, she suffered those first months fiercely. And so did I. No sleep for either of us, car rides were torment, she just screamed and screamed. I knew nothing and I spent many hours crying with her. I also went through many rounds of mastitis and we both got thrush over and over again. I was going to breastfeed my baby if it killed me, and I was not going to give her medication for the GERD. We got through it, and she continued to gain weight beautifully regardless of the spit up. I just wish I knew about taking foods out of my diet, she could have been so much better off. Then when she was 10 months old we found out that I was expecting again! This time I was even more impatient. I ended up on bedrest at 31 weeks due to preterm labor. They gave me Nifedipine to keep him from coming too soon... yet more regrets. This medication messed up my blood pressure badly and honestly it has not been the same since. So, because of the fears I had I was stuck in bed for weeks. Now I know better, it was a thing called prodromal labor. Very common. I will get into this topic more in the future. Needless to say, by the time I neared my due date I was DONE. I wanted to walk again, to be allowed to get up and cook a meal, to move. So, I begged for an induction. Another regret. Though it went "picture perfect" (despite that little drop in heart rate in my baby right after they started the pitocin drip) for an induction I have deep regret that I did this to my son. I selfishly placed his well being on the line for my own gain. I think I am still working out forgiveness for myself regarding this topic, I'll get there eventually. It was much easier with Jonny those first months, though looking back I am certain he would have done better if I avoided some foods while nursing him. I only once showed signs of mastitis with him and quickly dealt with it at home. We did deal with a lot of thrush, but again we got through it. I nursed Jonny until the day we lost our Hope. After losing her early in the morning of December 25th, 2009 (we stayed home and had an unassisted miscarriage) I just didn't have enough stamina to try and nurse him longer. My hormones were making me crazy and it hurt when he suckled, I just gave up. Tribe Papa and I were lost in grief over losing Hope, and it was a long climb back up hill. About 2 months later I had not yet had another cycle... so off to the drug store to get a "peepee stick." Sure enough, I was expecting again! We were oh so happy! It was bittersweet at moments, but somehow I knew she sacrificed so we could have Axell. I knew that night I lost my love that she was giving her place to him. I cannot very well explain it, but I knew. I struggled to keep Axell inside all through the first half of my pregnancy with him. I bled, and bled and they told me it was likely going to end as the last. I was so scared, but Papa told me to not be. He knew Axell was strong, that he would hang on. So I clung to him and did all I could to encourage his growth. Then when we went in for that "routine" ultrasound at 23 weeks we found out that he had a 2 vessel cord. Another thing to fear! Again I was scared. We were sent to UCSD Medical Center for a level 2 ultrasound and amniocentisis (which I refused). They said he looked fine, so I believed. They told me to stay off of google... I promptly ignored them. What I found said natural birth was best for babies like mine. Pitocin was known to cause serious problems for 2VCords. I made my decision, if I could do it with Lizzy and the epi didn't even help with Jonny... then why not now? So, I googled... I researched, I bought Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, watched The Business of Being Born, joined online support groups and worked on relaxing and practicing my techniques during all my prodromal labor (which as usual for me started weeks before the arrival of my baby). I prayed he would come on his own, that I would not have to fight off induction, that I could get him here safely without any medication. And we did it. He came 10 hours and 5 minutes before I was supposed to go in and schedule my induction (not that I would have anyhow, but it was nice to not have to fight). He is my angel, I sit here and nurse him as I write this and he is almost 1 year old. I fear he may be my last even though we do not plan to do anything to prevent future children from joining this family. During my pregnancy with Axell we also found out that Tribe Papa is a celiac. So, that also started me on a path of healing for not only him but for the entire family. We were already striving to be more healthy, but this lit a fire under my lazy butt to get serious about it. Through 2010 we faced many changes. We had serious belief changes and grew out of many of our old confined ways of thinking. The more we found out we had been lied to, the more we questioned. One area of life leaked into the next. We found most of the world we thought we knew was fiction, made up to influence sheep so that the rich and powerful could continue on in their way. Questions I had as a child were finally being answered. I didn't like much of what I heard, but the truth was undeniable. I have never been able to excuse truth so my comfort would be secure and this was no exception. What were those lines in the sky? Why do we HAVE to work a normal job? Why do we need medication? Why do people kill babies? Why do we call him Jesus? Was that what his Mommy & Daddy called him? Why do we have to go to school? Why don't people like it when I ask questions? ;-) Why, why, why, why, why. This is my mantra, and it continues on. We now reside in NW Arkansas, are self employed and enjoying the crazy life we set out to attain.
To blog or not to blog? A question I long asked...
I created this blog as a resource to share the information I have been soaking in. I am passionate about health, and the avoidance of medical intervention. I am a natural birth lover, natural health advocate, and all around hippie! I desire to see the world happy, healthy and sustainable. There are few things I would love more than to put the pharma companies out of business! Much of my passion comes from the desire to teach my children how to live balanced and healthy lives. I want to see them thrive in their future, not become sick and diseased as many of their generation I fear will. Educating families on simple home remedies, ways to live sustainable lives, the power of natural food, the importance of preparation, the importance of caring for our environment, enriching our natural habitat and all around back to the earth living is where my heart is. I want to see people understand why nature has so much to offer, and how to reclaim the heritage of previous generations. We have knowledge that surpasses those of former generations, but that does not mean that history is negated. I feel strongly that we need to realign our thinking and re-introduce former principals lost in the pursuit of science and higher learning. I do not intend to smash down what science has taught us (though admittedly I do not agree with much of what scientists do these days), but rather use what we have learned from these studies to expound on the "old ways."
Rejection lurks, but in this I find peace.
I invite you to join me as I search for knowledge, truth and a better way of life, will you walk with me? I think you will find peace in truth, though I warn you... truth can be hard to accept and many will shun not only the truth, but those associated with it. I know this hardship, and now I embrace it. I open my arms to the rejection, knowing that those who desire to live whole and meaningful lives will gain strength from my hurts and hope from my Healer.
One of my favorite poems is quite famous, by Robert Frost:
"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
I think you can understand why I like this one so much... it resounds deeply in the hearts of many whom feel rejected by the mainstream and chosen to be set apart. It well describes my life, my calling and my family. Not many are open to seekers of truth, and it makes this life just a bit lonely at times. Yet I find peace and calming in the knowledge I absorb.
I love YHWH and all He created for us on this beautiful earth. I love Yahusha for making the ultimate sacrifice for my sin. I look forward to the exciting things in not only the limited future here in this life, but also in the one eternal. Praise be to YHWH, may He bless each of you!
Feel free to contact me via e-mail: email@example.com