Monday, February 27, 2012

Missing her...

Hope Always
By Sarah Gielow

I have a baby
who's tears I'll never dry
who's hair I'll never smooth
who will never ask me "why?"

I cradled deep a sweetie
who's heart should've fluttered to life
but rather than sweet little beats
to our hearts a cold, harsh knife

We never smelled your sweet scent
we never heard you laugh
we often look around...
seems you should be running past

Even though our arms don't hold you
your cheeks we never kissed
regardless of our emptiness
we look forward to holding you someday, princess

Your name we thought we knew
till you whispered it that day
seems YHWH had other plans for us
yet still you are our Hope, always.

We lost our Hope on December 25th, 2009.  She was our third baby, and we were SO excited to have her joining our family.  We miscarried her at 6 weeks, 6 days.  Many people have looked down upon us for naming her and calling her by a feminine title when she was so young.  We never had proof to back up our belief that she was a girl, as we had an at home and unassisted miscarriage.  But we all knew it was a girl, and we agreed that naming her, speaking of her regularly and explaining to the kids was the right thing for our family.  Our Lizzy who is now 5 (but at the time was a mature 3) still remembers Hope being in my belly and when we lost her.  She talks about her often, we enjoy talking about what we will do when we get to see Hope someday in eternity. 

Now, we had planned to name our next girl Annelise.  And we really thought that was going to be this baby's name.  But after she passed, I got this burning in me.  I kept hearing over and over "Hope."  You see, we had been through a lot as a couple and as a family.  We had struggled to find peace, hope and a place in this world.  But this baby, she was a light in the darkest of places for us.  She really was our hope.  So when we lost her it cut us so deep.  The night after I lost her, I had a dream.  She came to me as a young woman.  In this dream she actually looked a lot like me which I found very strange as all my kids "look just like their Papa!"  In the dream she was Hope, not Annelise. The photo above reminds me of her in that dream.  This is a picture of a little tray I have had since I was young, and I keep it in my bathroom so whenever I look at it I get a sweet reminder of her.  After this dream I talked to Tribe Papa about naming her Hope.  He thought a bit, and agreed it fit her best.  So our Hope she is, forever.

There are days my heart aches so deeply I could swear it is about to bust.  I miss her.  Yet, even at the time of loss I somehow knew that she was stepping aside and making room for another little person to join us.  We were surprised to find out just a few short weeks later that we were again expecting, and here is where Axell's story begins!  That is a tale to tell on another post, but as you can see he did indeed come to be with us even though I almost lost him at around the same time developmentally as we lost Hope. 

I whisper to my girl on days like today, and even if she cannot hear me it helps to ease my hurt a bit.  I ask Yahusha to squeeze her in a big bear hug for me, and to take her swirling and dancing through flower fields.  I see her in my mind's eye... and smile as another tear rolls down my cheek.  I know she is in the best place of all, the arms of our beloved Messiah.


  1. followed your link on fb...
    Just wanted to say that Eden (the 20 mo) was almost Eden Analise, but ended up as Eden Noelle.

  2. Awe, well Eden Noelle is BEAUTIFUL! :-) Thanks for stopping by, not much here as of now... but I plan to get more of my links up if I ever have time. ((HUG))


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